Boys, dating and sex...

Introducing yourself to new people (or as others call it, dating) can be daunting in anyone's world, but throwing hearing problems into the mix only makes you wonder... why bother? Well I have tried some different approaches to handling this so that we can just go back to worrying about what to wear and whether your date will eat with their mouth open....

Ok, I guess I should start by declaring how painfully single I am, and this blog will in no way tell you how to get a boyfriend or how to keep one. What it will tell you is that the reason I don't have one is absolutely nothing to do with having hearing problems... It must be due to all my other problems which we won't go into because I specifically want to make this a 'short read' as advertised.

A little bit of background for you now. I have been single for around two and a half years, and suffered with tinnitus for two, as well as starting to wear hearing aids, in both ears, around the same time. Since then, I've had phases of attempting to date real, living, breathing, human men, usually when I have the energy and some money! Having a hearing impairment has caused more anxiety and worry than I was previously used to before a first date and here's why.

The main questions I ask myself before going on a date include, but are not limited to...

1) Do I tell them BEFORE the date that I wear hearing aids?

I'm not ashamed to admit, pretty much every first date I've had in the last couple of years has been a result of tinder. Perhaps I should be ashamed, but I'm a modern woman and I have no idea how to pick up random men on the street (Any tips welcome). This means that there would have been a fair bit of online chat beforehand, where I have the opportunity to mention the fact that they could potentially be a stand-in carer for me on the date, translating barmen when I can't understand what they're saying. This way they would have plenty of time to cancel the date with a fair, polite excuse, and find someone else to go out with instead of trying to converse in a loud bar with Lassie (The dog, not a Scottish woman).

2) Do I tell them ON the date?

Alternatively, I could wait until they have painfully tried to have a conversation with me where I may look at them blankly, laugh in all the wrong places or answer a totally different question to the one they asked. Then end their suffering by explaining the reason as to why, giving them a chance to start talking louder, clearer and with possible cute made up sign language. Or a chance to use the 'little boys room' and never return. In this case, I usually end up telling them because (and now I'm going to tar all men with the same brush here... are you ready...) they ALL mumble! There, I said it! Why do they do that? Is it to be mysterious, to keep us guessing? Are they speaking English or Chinese? Do they like me? Do they hate me? We shall never know! Anyway, I'm sure it doesn't help that the tone in which my hearing loss is specifically worsened, is low tone speech. So basically, men's voices. Lets not add mumbling to that shall we... enunciate, boys, please.

3) Will my hair style cover my hearing aids enough?

It is a privilege as a woman to stereotypically, have long hair when you need it (saying this, I highly recommend all men have long hair and scruffy man buns, if possible) and in this instance I am grateful for it. Simply for the reason that I just could not imagine anyone ever thinking that hearing aids are sexy! I can't say I've looked at Ryan Gosling and thought "he is beautiful, but you know what would make him even more poster-over-my-bed-sexy... hearing aids". You see, you can do that with glasses, but not these. So as much as I tell myself I'm going to rock the sh*t out of them and be cool and confident, I will constantly fiddle with my locks to make sure they're not on show, screaming "disabled!". However, they (the #fashun industry) did do it with glasses so maybe one day Topshop will sell fake hearing aids as the ultimate cool girl accessory just like lensless glasses. In the meantime, I will make an effort to wear them in all their glory on the days I am dressed most fashionable (never) to try and smash the stigma into pieces, one cool girl at a time. Get me my metaphorical hammer this instance!

4) Will it be awkward in bed?

Now, this is not something that would likely be a problem on a first date, I'm not about that life, but I do have an imagination that allows me to wonder about future dates if this one goes particularly well (keep imagining Jess). So lets say things have indeed gone well... we're in bed and everyone is doing what they're supposed to be doing, this goes here, that goes in there, put that on that etc, when all of a sudden they start whispering sweet nothings into my ear. The thing is, I'm assuming they're sweet because to me they're just nothings and I don't understand one, single word! They could be telling me I'm the most beautiful woman they've ever seen or they could be asking me if their nan can join in. All I can do is smile, hope they didn't say the latter and that they either shut up or be sexy very loudly and clearly to my face, because there isn't a worse time to say "What?" with a confused look on your face. The exception perhaps being to the vicar at your wedding, but jeez calm down you lot! We haven't even been on the first date yet!

To be honest, the whole situation is hilarious when I think about it, so hopefully they carry on their whispering for the lols. Just what they were intending, I'm sure.

So where am I now and have I answered my own questions? After this long, I have become reasonably accustomed to my impairment and no longer feel like I need to warn every man in advance or "break the news" to them on a date. I don't do that for everyone I meet, so why did I feel the need to do it in this instance? If it is relevant to a conversation then perhaps I will, but it doesn't define me and I think making a big deal out of it only made it seem as though it does. I have far more aspects of my personality to disappoint them with first!

Very importantly, one of the biggest reasons I have become more comfortable with wearing aids is that, every single guy I have told, could not give a damn. Every. Single. One. They really don't care! Just as I wouldn't if I met a guy wearing them. I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't a big deal to them, only to me. It's time to stop worrying about my insecurities and time to go and have fun judging them instead!

And anyway... if in doubt, just show them ya tits! (joking, mum).